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June 28, 2004

Anxiety Sets in Now

Tomorrow, Alex, my brother and I are all heading up to Española to confirm the job and try to find a place for Alex and me to live.

I am anxious and I guess I'm not sure why. Partly I suppose it is because I liked being off. I also found it really frightening not knowing if I would ever make money again, if I would ever find gainful employment in my field. Partly it is because I am worried about making ends meet. I think I will be able to but now I see why this is something everyone worries about. I'm also anxious about the move itself. This apartment is a good apartment, Alex and I felt safe here behind the gate and up two flights of stairs. We might be able to rent a house for the kind of money we're paying here though, and that would probably be better, healthier, though I am not sure I would feel as safe.

What can I say, I am a prick about some things; I don't want to help Uncle Sam kill anybody. I am still an anarchist, I just can't think of anything to do to help the political situation we're in. Violent action clearly isn't the answer, yet peaceful methods seem ineffective as well. Revolution would be great, but not unless regular people were coming to me and telling me it is a good idea rather than the other way around. I wouldn't say it weighs heavy on my mind, but I talk to people about it and it bothers me somewhat.

My mind is transfixed on Española. I haven't been able to do anything without thinking about the job and how much I'd like to have it. Dad said during dinner that you should always go for a job you enjoy; it wasn't long into his job with the school system that he wanted out, and he's happier now that he's working at Adelante. I don't think it will be a hardship to live on the money I will be paid, but I don't know. I guess I got scared by the numbers. I have never looked at my bank account and thought, “That pays for my food, my internet, my car, and my hobbies.” I have never thought, “if I don't put money in there, I won't eat.” I guess it is a reality check. If I could go back and undo some of the spending I've done, I would be doing really well right now. But I can't, so I am borrowing money from my brother, and I never thought I would say that.

So I guess life is a mixed bag. Everything is going well, so the money will be tight. Life has treated me well. I have no reason to complain, my parents are swimming in debt and they have done so much to help me get started without it. I feel I owe everyone so much, I don't want to take any more. Ah well… I have to be up in 5 hours, so I had best get some sleep.

Posted by FusionGyro at June 28, 2004 07:46 AM