The path to a generalized authentication scheme is always watered with
tears.
-- Ted Dziuba, TheRegister.co.uk
The government walks over to AOL, Yahoo, and Google and bends them over a
barrel screaming "You got pertay user activitay logs!"
-- Zed Shaw
Mary had a crypto key, she kept it in escrow, and everything that Mary
said, the Feds were sure to know.
-- Sam Simpson
If a politician fixes a problem then he loses it as a campaign issue. But
if he makes the problem worse while heroically fighting against it, then
he's golden.
-- Rex Tincher
Whereas Europeans generally pronounce my name the right way ('Ni-klows
Wirt'), Americans invariably mangle it into 'Nick-les Worth'. This is to
say that Europeans call me by name, but Americans call me by value.
-- Niklaus Wirth
I wonder why I called that function "maternity". Oh, right, push!
-- Pi
I'm so subtle, even I don't know what I'm doing sometimes!
-- Paul Ferrell
Everyone is awake back there. Except for the guy by the window. The
first casualty to my knee...
-- Hamdy Soliman
SA president? That'll suck!
-- Paul Ferrell, former SA president
Trial by fire! "Do this, or I'll fire you!"
-- Dr. Liebrock
I'm talking about high-end computing, which means Unix. Windows is for
low-end programming.
-- Dr Xiao Qin, CS 325 (Operating Systems)
After about a year of operation, it's almost as if a Windows machine
develops some sort of antibodies that prevent it from recognizing new
hardware.
-- Andy Ihnatko, Chicago Sun-Times
Typical, selfish user: How does your convenience help make money for
Universal? No wonder Doug [Morris, CEO of Universal Music Group] despises
you.
-- Andy Ihnatko, Chicago Sun-Times
These problems are very close to the border. It's like Canada!
-- Dr Mazumdar
There is currently no debugging system available. Please write correct
programs.
-- the Yale Haskell 0.8 documentation
Presentations kill productivity dead. I'm productive because I kill
presentations dead.
-- LiveJournal user wetdryvac
Obviously I was either onto something, or on something.
-- Larry Wall, on the creation of Perl
A better headline would have read: An Amish with a 'tude? You know that
unheard of.
-- Schlake
Anal rape? They'll get over it. Plus, they went through it together. It
could be a BONDING experience.
-- Paul Ferrel
That's like taking drugs to make the world look nice. We don't allow
that.
-- Dr Mazumdar
I suspect I have spent just about exactly as much time actually writing
as the average person my age has spent watching television, and that, as
much as anything, may be the real secret here.
-- William Gibson
You could also ask your guests to do the dishes, but that would be
"parallel processing", and that isn't this course.
-- Dr. Mazumdar, Algorithms
Our new mop will devour the floor's soul while picking up dirt!!
-- Jarrod
I solved the first halting problem!
-- David Baird, not a CS major
The power of the executive to cast a man into prison without formulating
any charge known to the law, and particularly to deny him the judgment of
his peers, is in the highest degree odious, and the foundation of all
totalitarian government whether Nazi or Communist.
-- Winston Churchill
<Dan> you know me, I like to remove as much personal freedom as I can
when programming
<Dan> which we can call API Developer's Jock Itch
I have wood. Yay, wood!
-- Jarrod
People write poems about burritos like that!
-- Danny Quist
I give a fuck too often. Like, daily.
-- Layla
It's fun watching vice-presidents do menial labor.
-- Jarrod
I suspect that the bane of my existence just came out of a mailbox!
-- Jason
I'm very sort of annoying.
-- Pi
You're the one who has the monkey addiction around here!
-- Jarrod, to Layla
"Decent browser" implies better than IE!
-- Jarrod to a ~30 person class
[the] New Mexico [public school system], from what I've seen, tries and
fails pretty even-handedly.
-- Paul Ferrell
Try terrorism for hire! We'll blow some shit up, it's more fun!
-- Nicholas Cage, Face/Off
They don't yet have an ethics test that works off your piss.
-- Bill
He did what all good men do: listen to Tasha.
-- Jason
If I could draw a pig on the cross, I would!
-- Nathan
It's like American rape-stand!
-- Dan
His expression is better, but Jarrod's tentacles are better.
-- Erin
That fist in my anus, it taught me things!
-- Dan
Get in people's faces! Flash a knife, get some shit done! [...] Students
can get things done here if they try!
-- Brad about the NMT administration
That would be like this sheet of paper writing information into me!
-- Dr. Rison
He touches us with the bad stick!
-- Travis
That's why you're not supposed to break batteries open and smear the
paste in your eyes!
-- Dr. Arendt
I write screen savers so that I don't have to drop acid.
-- JWZ, xscreensaver author
Diamagnetics. Not the L Ron Hubbard stuff!
-- Dr. Arendt, Physics 122
A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of inarticulate motherfuckers.
-- Mat
It's not really physics until someone gets hurt, right? I'm like
MacGyver, only put myself in danger.
-- Dr. Arendt
<HTML> even creeps into my personal correspondence, these days. And, at
night, it haunts my dreams.
-- Tycho, Penny Arcade
Aliens planted some kind of strange magnet or something underneath Socorro
to bring all these events here! Hail, earthquakes, what's next? Plague?
Locusts?
-- Dr. Dezember
I decided it would be fun if I got fired [...] for sexual harassment
-- Tim
It never occurred to me that I needed to reboot my docking station!
-- Dr. Liebrock
The greatest sin is to be unconscious
-- Carl Gustav Jung
Wealth is the number of things one can do without
-- Fyodor Dostoyevsky
There is nothing more difficult for a truly creative painter than to paint
a rose, because before he can do so he must forget all the roses that were
ever painted before
-- Henri Matisse
I long to accomplish a great and noble task, but it is my chief duty to
accomplish small tasks as if they were great and noble
-- Thich Nhat Hanh
Every day we do things, we are things that have to do with peace. If we
are aware of our life..., our way of looking at things, we will know how
to make peace right in the moment, we are alive.
-- Thich Nhat Hanh
Do not be idolatrous about or bound to any doctrine, theory, or ideology,
even Buddhist ones. All systems of thought are guiding means; they are
not absolute truth.
-- Thich Nhat Hanh
Do not think that the knowledge you presently possess is changeless,
absolute truth.
-- Thich Nhat Hanh
Do not force others, including children, by any means whatsoever, to
adopt your views, whether by authority, threat, money, propaganda, or
even education. However, through compassionate dialogue, help others
renounce fanaticism and narrowness.
-- Thich Nhat Hanh
Do not maintain anger or hatred. As soon as anger and hatred arise,
practice the meditation on compassion in order to deeply understand the
persons who have caused anger and hatred. Learn to look at other beings
with the eyes of compassion.
-- Thich Nhat Hanh
Do not utter words that can create discord and cause the community to
break. Make every effort to reconcile and resolve all conflicts, however
small.
-- Thich Nhat Hanh
Do not believe that I feel that I follow each and every of these precepts
perfectly. I know I fail in many ways. None of us can fully fulfill any
of these. However, I must work toward a goal. These are my goal. No words
can replace practice, only practice can make the words.
-- Thich Nhat Hanh
I promised myself that I would do everything that you said in the exact
way that you wanted me to do it, so long as I could refuse, flat
out refuse, to use Emacs.
-- Faust to Dan
Whoops, almost killed myself.
-- Dr. Zeman
I feel your pain. These creations should be as illegal as the RPG's I
hunt them with.
-- Dr. Cody, Slashdot
You know, the most amazing thing happened to me tonight. I was coming
here, on the way to the lecture, and I came in through the parking lot.
And you won't believe what happened. I saw a car with the license plate
ARW 357. Can you imagine? Of all the millions of license plates in the
state, what was the chance that I would see that particular one tonight?
Amazing!
-- Richard Feynman
This [the keyboard] is the weapon of a Hacker. Not as clumsy or random as
a mouse; an elegant weapon, from a more.... civilized day.
-- zaphod110676, Slashdot
Someday, we'll find Microsoft has patented the alphabet and we'll find
ourselves paying royalties every time we sit down at the keyboard.
-- Phil Paxton
If you can point out precise reasons why you need truly random numbers and
back your reasons up with references to the literature, then great, break
out a quarter.
-- rjh, Slashdot
The only purpose for which power can be rightfully exercised over any
member of a civilized community, against his will, is to prevent harm to
others. His own good, either physical or moral, is not sufficient
warrant.
-- John Stuart Mill, "On Liberty" 1859.
It would be like playing Battleship with Windows, only Windows has a lot
more ships than I do!
-- Jake, about Office/Windows font troubleshooting
The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic
hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs.
There's also a negative side.
-- Hunter S. Thompson
Walking on water and developing software from a specification are easy if
both are frozen.
-- Edward V. Berard
Null fucks me like a little girl!
-- Jason
it's like Python is this frigid but beautiful woman, Perl is the slutty
hag prostitute that works for sacks of potatoes, and Ruby is the easy but
fun and very cute hippie chick that loves to put out
-- Dan
you should think of Ruby as the syncretistic religion between Perl and
Python. It's like Sikhism is to Islam and Hindu
-- Dan
Smile like a donut? Oh yeah.
-- Jarrod
I'm a fuzzy fucker.
-- Jason
Mom always looks kind of angry. It's the definition of mom.
-- Tasha
Look at those testicles! They're so impressive!
-- Tasha
Why would you want to pet children?
-- Jason
Erin (to Jason): You're talking about sleeping with some random woman to
get some crab?
Jason: mmm, crab...
See, it's not a special tools problem; it's a "Do you have something hard
you can shove in there?" problem.
-- Jason
He's so cute I must unbutton his shirt.
-- Tasha, about Jason
I'm apparently everywhere, and good for your skin!
-- Jason
Jason, I can't afford you, you're too expensive!
-- Erin
Apparently I'm on sale? Oh, no, I'm just a better value.
-- Jason
I hear a lot of Spanish in New Mexico, but then I deal with a lot of
criminals.
-- Erin
I don't like going to sleep when it's dark, and getting up when it's
light!
-- Layla
I am an algorithmiscist!
-- Jarrod, drunk
Look at the bottle of Maker's Mark! Now look at what two fingers is!
-- Jarrod
I swore that I put a soda in my bag instead of a beer!
-- Layla
I had so much caffeine today that my nipple hurt!
-- Buddy
I would trust Buddy more than me.
-- Jenna
I feel like I'm getting violated, Victorian style!
-- Manuel, about Dan's page
I'd have more trouble comprehending a sewing machine
-- Tim, about the rotary engine
dont know why I bother citing it, it would be like quoting the bible to
jesus. or a curious george book to G W Bush.
-- Tim
She's a crazy, uncouth psycho-bitch
-- Jake, a stuck up idealistic snob, about Nikki
Mattax, how straight am I?
-- Bill
Steve knows how to pass this class: on his knees.
-- Dr. Liebrock, Compilers
Right, no free lunch. Have a cookie.
-- Bob Hutchinson, Digital Forensics
You could have an intrusion detection party. Popcorn, beer, and
Ethereal!
-- Bob Hutchinson, Digital Forensics
It's like, you have: rape, murder, and working for Microsoft. Morally
objectionable!
-- Brian
They're going to drink your beer as well!
-- Bob Hutchinson, Digital Forensics
Talking about police raids
I don't like sanitization. I prefer destruction.
-- Bob Hutchinson, Digital Forensics
Some times you need to lie to people in order to sleep with Tim.
-- Brian
We need makefiles. "Make judgment"
-- Manuel
Bill: what is he, CS/EE?
James: no, stupid
A is not B!
-- Tim
I'm the whole package! Sheep dog AND lover!
-- Eric
Pointers. They're like babies, you can make them into anything you
want.
-- Jason
I like to push my slaves hard!
-- Dr. Liebrock, Parallel Programming
It's violent sex in a jar!
-- Eric
If I avoided things that had been in your mouth, I wouldn't hang out with
Bill.
-- Buddy, to Jarrod
You take the old woman, and you put her in your pants.
-- Jake
The old woman is sexy!
-- Jake
Chile comes from a pentagram! Salt and pepper come from a Star of
David!
-- Manuel
We've heard of Aristotle, right? I mean, dead Greek!
-- Dr. Field
A parent without children has no problems! Only when we have
children, do we have problems.
-- Dr. Mazumdar, CS 344 (Algorithms)
If it's a consenting corpse it's ok! Or if it's a clown it's funny!
-- Danny
My hair acts as a bonding agent for everything in the house.
-- Jason
I knocked you up.
-- Erin, to Allan
I wish all women changed colors with their emotions. Then only Mattax
wouldn't understand them.
-- Buddy
It's hard to have a normal conversation when someone is fondling your
package.
-- Bill
That's an interesting hole!
-- Tim
Be a man? I have a sheep!
-- Tim
If you value your girlfriend, and your position inside her, don't let her
talk to Tim
-- Eric
I think she likes me... she gives me really, ah, dirty looks when I go in
there.
-- That M Guy
No threats of imminent suicide? Well, you haven't seen the homework yet.
-- Dr. Mazumdar, CS 344 (Algorithms)
All work and NP play makes Jack a dull boy?
-- Dr. Mazumdar, CS 344 (Algorithms)
Bill: go to livejournal.com
Jarrod: on purpose?
You have more states than Erin: meh and offended.
-- Jason
Ode to Joy hip-hop is pretty cool. In Japanese!
-- Jarrod
I guess it wasn't the 10 commandments. It might have been some woman with
boobs.
-- Tim
I did it with you before we were supposed to do it together!
-- Jason, to Erin
He's [John Stuart Mill] ancient. Well, he's dead. That's ancient.
-- Bob Hutchinson
Apparently I hate myself! I tried to stab myself in the eye!
-- Paul Ferrel
Hector: This is Dr. Lopez. He's the president of the school, or something.
Dr. Lopez: Hope you don't need a scholarship!
Jarrod: I don't need the Bill cock.
Jake (w/ Nikki): that's the difference between you and us!
It's not blood, it's... lighter fluid.
-- Jake
If you have it already, you know it is a very... heavy book. If nothing
else, you can use it in self-defense.
-- Dr. Mazumdar, CS 344 (Algorithms)
Oh, there's a woman in my... crotch.
-- That M Guy
Naked people are their own reward!
-- Penn and Teller
I'm not the king of profanity. I'm really more of a district manager.
-- Bill
OK, how do I become a homosexual so that I can sleep with Buddy?
-- Jason
I've listened to Daniel; I don't form images in my head anymore.
-- Jason
Come on. Are you saying that, had you known about gossip, you wouldn't
have slept with Bill?
-- Buddy, to Jason
Bill: you like the dick.
Jason: Well, I won't say that I don't...
If Margaret was here, that's what we would do: I'd take a bite of ice
cream, get the taste, and then snowball it on!
-- Buddy
Preemptive discipline. That's where you beat the kids before they're
born.
-- Brian, talking about getting hit in the groin
Mattax sucking on wood and saying "it's tasty". What's new?
-- Dan
I've seen an extraordinary number of penises in my day!
-- Tasha
I don't have anything for you, man. Good job on the fertilization and
everything, but your situation is still something I'm desperately trying
to avoid.
-- Tycho, Penny Arcade
The length of a .sig is usually in inverse proportion to the intelligence
of its sender
-- Jim Orsi
The way I see it, you can choose between a functional illiterate and one
who has had at least some form of education, they are both bad picks
-- Aaargh, plastic.com, about the 2004 US presidential election
You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. Fill the
experience bag before you empty the luck bag.
-- Argus Defthammer, plastic.com
Give a man a fish and he eats for a day. Teach a man how to create an
artificial shortage of fish and he eats steak.
-- Prairieman, plastic.com
Jon Stewart: This is interesting stuff, and it's all part of the
discussion and I think it's a good discussion to have, but I think it's
important to take a more critical look. You know, don't you think?
Ted Koppel: No.
-- Nightline
If I could get a date simply by losing weight and dressing skimpily, I
would probably insist that she buy me dinner too.
-- gurps_npc, Slashdot.
...justice is a duty towards those whom you love and those whom you do
not. And people's rights will not be harmed if the opponent speaks out
about them.
-- Osama Bin Laden
There aught to be limits to freedom!
-- George W. Bush
I recommend fire. And lots of it.
-- rokzy, Slashdot (quoting another source?)
Look, just because I like dick doesn't mean I'm gay...
-- Jake
It's not the one bullet with your name on it that you have to worry about;
it's the twenty thousand-odd rounds labeled `occupant.'
--Murphy's Laws of Combat
We cannot have a free government without elections; and if the
rebellion could force us to forgo, or postpone, a national election,
it might fairly claim to have already conquered us.
-- Abraham Lincoln
Less talk. More stab.
-- Mad WRX
So once again, my driving style proved to have some creative differences
with what a police officer felt was acceptable.
-- Tim
He who makes a beast of himself gets rid of the pain of being a man.
-- Samuel Johnson
A man of genius has been seldom ruined but by himself.
-- Samuel Johnson
Knowledge is of two kinds. We know a subject ourselves, or we know where
we can find information upon it.
-- Samuel Johnson
A man, Sir, should keep his friendship in constant repair.
-- Samuel Johnson
Trying to make bits uncopyable is like trying to make water not wet. The
sooner people accept this, and build business models that take this into
account, the sooner people will start making money again.
-- Bruce Schneier
The plural of anecdote is not data.
-- Frank Kotsonis
I say to you that the VCR is to the American film producer and the
American public as the Boston strangler is to the woman home alone.
-- Jack Valenti, Testimony to the House of Representatives, 1982
I wasn't opposed to the VCR.
-- Jack Valenti, 2003
[Copyright should last] forever less one day
-- Jack Valenti
I found the most convincing part to be the working stiffs, the guys who
have a modest home and kids who go to public schools. They make $75,000 to
$100,000 a year. That's not much to live on. I don't have to tell you
that.
-- Jack Valenti, Entertainment Weekly, 18/04/2003
If you buy a DVD you have a copy. If you want a backup copy you buy
another one.
-- Jack Valenti
In the digital world, we don't need back-ups, because a digital copy never
wears out. It is timeless.
-- Jack Valenti
Today, it's illegal to copy a videocassette. No one has a fair use to copy
a videocassette.
-- Jack Valenti
So long as George Bush has the majority of the American people on his side
in the war on terrorism and the war against Iraq, he'll be just fine. But
if he ever begins to lose that support, he will not do fine.
-- Jack Valenti
At all costs, the government should stay out of censorship, except in war.
-- Jack Valenti
The WRX possesses the boundless energy of a second grader stuffed with
chocolate cookies
-- Car and Driver Magazine
You'll take my porn when you pry it from my cold, dead, sticky fingers.
-- Paulrothrock, Slashdot
Of course, anyone running IIS or IE is an incompetent and unethical luser
who fully deserves whatever happens to them. Why? Because they are
directly supporting spam and abuse: it's only fair that they bear the
consequences of doing so. Let 'em burn.
-- Rich Kulawiec, spam-l
As Computing professionals we should all be ashamed of the quality
standards that we have allowed, and continue to allow, to be considered a
production ready release.
-- MosesJones, Slashdot
Until we have the same standards of excellence that Engineers have in the
construction industry we might as well have arts degrees.
-- MosesJones, Slashdot
I used to think that way too until I talked to a Japanese kid on a
skateboard wearing a Public Enemy shirt who talked about how much he loved
Nine Inch Nails and John Coltrane.
Trust me. We're intermingling...
-- Slashdot user #9520238
We all enter this world in the same way: naked, screaming,and soaked in
blood. But if you live your life right, that kind of thing doesn't have
to stop there.
-- Dana Gould
Americans used to roar like lions for liberty. Now we bleat like sheep for
security.
--Norman Vincent Peale
I've gained the ability to rip CDs; I've joined the 19th century!
-- John Shipman
Jarrod: I'm being beaten by a large inanimate duck!
Shipman: hey! That's my girlfriend there!
Look, you're sandwiched between ass pirates!
-- Dan
Redundancy just means I mean it. That's why it's a double barrel.
-- Tim
An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his
fools.
-- Ernest Hemmingway
When I read about the evils of drinking I gave up reading
-- Henry Youngman
The Desert Eagle of espresso shots?
-- Manuel
Dan's dead to us... I mean, an Emacs user. I mean, dead to us.
-- Buddy
Jarrod: but I have my own unit!
Manuel: so do we, but we especially like Bill's.
I have a medical condition. It's called lack-a-Nokia.
-- John Shipman
Wow, I'm not male!
-- Jason
At first, I was like man, look - daddy is working. I don't come truckin'
into your office every time I make an animal die.
-- Tycho, Penny-Arcade
We had our first of two signings at the Ubi Soft booth yesterday and it
was totally fucking amazing. When I saw the line I actually got in it
assuming it was for Half Life 2. I commiserated with the people around me
about how long the fucking line was for nearly 10 minutes before I
realized they were there to see me.
-- Gabe, Penny-Arcade
That's a Ruby-ism. Door.open.close.open.close.open.close .
-- Manuel
Wow. In ropes. Cool.
-- Manuel
This is on the final. Sadly, I was drawing a tree instead of paying
attention.
-- Layla
Bill: It's an obfuscation feature.
Manuel: Like Perl!
In short: Don't build a house of cards and then try to outlaw the wind,
build a house of stone and enjoy the fresh air.
-- Alexander Schreiber, on the Full-Disclosure mailing list
about software
But it would be kind of expensive to hire a Filipino boy to hold your
bagel while you cut it!
-- Tim
You don't have taste buds. You have little mutant evil people that grow on
your tongue and lie to you.
-- Dan, to Jarrod
<Dragon> Is there anything in life but school? Oh sure! There's the
complaining about school, the brief periods of unconsciousness at night,
and sweet sweet death...
I don't remember if she slapped me. But I would have deserved it.
-- Manuel
Mazumdar: How many of you do _not_ know Java?
* over half the class raises a hand *
* Mazumdar raises a hand *
Mazumdar: Good!
-- in CS373 (Databases), talking about JDBC
It's not physically addictive, but you can still be addicted. I'm
addicted to jacking off, for instance.
-- Dan
I'm on Schlake's quote page! I'm immortal! Unfortunately, it's about
deer penis.
-- Mat
So, you mean, waiting for the girl with the key to my zipper?
-- Tim
If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen,
or 1024 chickens?
-- Seymore Cray, about clusters
I hope they die together in Belen, and that's my only opinion about that.
-- overheard cell-phone conversation
I only suck in gay bars!
-- Jake
I did not have sexual relations with that duck!
-- That M Guy
Public humiliation is like our national sport!
-- That M Guy
I do like it a little more wet than most...
-- Danny
Veggies are good, because they can't articulate a report to the police.
-- Schlake
Trust is good, control is better.
-- Manuel, quoting a German proverb
Everything has to involve sex with... Uh, us.
-- Mat
Unfortunately, I can't run Max Payne. So instead I looked at porn and
went to bed.
-- Danny
Just think about it! You're in bed, you're doing fine, and then suddenly:
I need a dick!
-- That M Guy
It's like I ate a beetle's nut sack!
-- Faust
Stop teasing my cock and give me your unit!
-- Dan
My mom is such a fucking consumer whore!
-- Dan
Auxiliary has the biggest collection of dicks to fuck you with on campus.
-- Jason
tragic
political term meaning inconvenient.
-- The Devil's Dictionary X
statutory rape
a legal term defining a criminal sexual act which occurs regardless of
consent when an NBA player has sex with a woman less than 5 feet in
height.
-- The Devil's Dictionary X
fix
to solve a problem with the application of heroin.
-- The Devil's Dictionary X
subpoena
a legal document granting law enforcement agents unfettered access to
one's colon.
-- The Devil's Dictionary X
Arizona
a state funded entirely by speeding tickets; a police state.
-- The Devil's Dictionary X
rapist
one who rapes; the raped being historically referred to as rapee,
though the related employee is gaining in popular usage.
-- The Devil's Dictionary X
economist
a devotee of chaos theory, without the math degrees; a person whose
unbroken string of losses at Monopoly has spawned a vendetta against
bankers and property holders; a weather man for economies.
-- The Devil's Dictionary X
Jesus phreak
1. a born again hacker.
2. a man or woman with a sexual complex relating to the savior;
one who carries a spear instead of a torch.
-- The Devil's Dictionary X
Mitnick, Kevin
a lecturer who is paid handsomely by corporate executives to explain
to their employees what the management apparently doesn't
understand either, that people are gullible.
-- The Devil's Dictionary X
objectivist
1. one who objects.
2. one who is objective to the point of becoming objectionable.
-- The Devil's Dictionary X
sexual intercourse
a term which has the same meaning as the vulgar fuck but none of the
impact; eg "Why don't you go have sexual intercourse
with yourself in the posterior!"
-- The Devil's Dictionary X
XML
acronym, eXtensible Markup Language; a multifaceted tool widely
claimed to simplify data exchanges, facilitate any application
project, save countless hours of lost productivity, kill werewolves,
and cure herpes.
-- The Devil's Dictionary X
WW I
1. World War I (one); the Great War.
2. The War to End All Wars: Episode I.
3. a cautionary tale titled, I Don't Even Know What an Archduke Is or
What Can Come of Shooting a Single Kraut.
-- The Devil's Dictionary X
vacation
1. drinking without the restraint of an alarm clock or the safety net
of a significant other.
2. reading the obituary page of one's home town newspaper.
-- The Devil's Dictionary X
vehicular homicide
to lower an Acura while adding undersized wheels and a lighted license
plate frame.
-- The Devil's Dictionary X
UNM
Universidad de Nada Mas, Universidad Nada Mucho, et cetera.
-- The Devil's Dictionary X
teenager
a sort of diet human being -- all the sex and murder, half the
responsibility.
-- The Devil's Dictionary X
think
1. to read too much into a matter; to over-analyze.
2. procrastinate.
-- The Devil's Dictionary X
tired
1. a dangerous deficiency of caffeine in one's bloodstream.
-- The Devil's Dictionary X
torture
an art form ingeniously practiced on human media with whatever
untraceable implements are available; eg, a Holiday Inn sewing kit.
-- The Devil's Dictionary X
trade
to exchange differing commodities of equal value. As Quantum
Physics teaches us, there are no equal values, even at the atomic
level, we must conclude that to trade is to cheat.
-- The Devil's Dictionary X
salary
a poorly disguised manipulation of the word slavery.
-- The Devil's Dictionary X
Seattle
4. 8 months of winter rain and unemployment dying to teach your sorry
Midwestern ass that Seasonal Affective Disorder is all that stands
between you and meeting Kurt Cobain in person.
-- The Devil's Dictionary X
sleep
the relative or temporary absence of insomnia.
-- The Devil's Dictionary X
speed
a better study aide than anything the Princeton Review ever published.
-- The Devil's Dictionary X
I route, therefore you are.
-- Jon Lewis
Keep in mind that I've installed Websphere before, so I /know/ pain
-- Rory Blyth
I'm a computer nerd, and I found the process totally intolerable. Keep in
mind that I've installed Websphere before, so I know pain - this was no
walk in the park.
-- Rory Blyth, about trying to buy a Microsoft Reader formatted eBook
It is a game so addictive that you will let your baby die while you work
toward your next level. There's just something pure about that.
-- Penny Arcade's Tycho, about Everquest
I support making the NSA look bad!
-- Jarrod
A bat is not armed. A bat would be bat robbery.
-- Judith Holcomb
In today's America, the many positive aspects of recreational drug use are
too often ignored. The need to score gets the user out of his or her
house and into the sunshine -- out into the community and meeting people!
Drugs are about networking!
-- Rudy Rucker, the Hacker and the Ants
One of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking
zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C
programs.
-- Robert Firth
I have stopped reading Stephen King novels. Now I just read C code
instead.
-- Richard O'Keefe
C++ has its place in the history of programming languages. Just as
Caligula has his place in the history of the Roman Empire.
-- Robert Firth
C++ is an atrocity, the bletcherous scab of the computing world,
responsible for more buffer overflows, more security breaches, more blue
screens of death, more mysterious failures than any other computer
language in the history of the planet Earth.
-- Eric Lee Green
Historically, languages designed for other people to use have been bad:
Cobol, PL/I, Pascal, Ada, C++. The good languages have been those that
were designed for their own creators: C, Perl, Smalltalk, Lisp.
-- Paul Graham
Arguing that Java is better than C++ is like arguing that grasshoppers
taste better than tree bark.
-- Thant Tessman
If C++ has taught me one thing, it's this: Just because the system is
consistent doesn't mean it's not the work of Satan.
-- Andrew Plotkin
Being really good at C++ is like being really good at using rocks to
sharpen sticks.
-- Thant Tessman
If you think C++ is not overly complicated, just what is a protected
abstract virtual base pure virtual private destructor and when was the
last time you needed one?
-- Tom Cargill
In My Egotistical Opinion, most people's C programs should be indented six
feet downward and covered with dirt.
-- Blair P. Houghton
A system composed of 100,000 lines of C++ is not be sneezed at, but we
don't have that much trouble developing 100,000 lines of COBOL today. The
real test of OOP will come when systems of 1 to 10 million lines of code
are developed.
-- Ed Yourdon
C has all the expressive power of two dixie cups and a string.
-- Jamie Zawinski
Within C++, there is a much smaller and cleaner language struggling to get
out.
-- Bjarne Stroustrup
I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++
in mind.
-- Alan Kay
There are only two things wrong with C++: The initial concept and the
implementation.
-- Bertrand Meyer
C++ will do for C what Algol-68 did for Algol.
-- David L Jones
C is often described, with a mixture of fondness and disdain varying
according to the speaker, as "a language that combines all the elegance
and power of assembly language with all the readability and
maintainability of assembly language."
-- MIT Jargon Dictionary
C++ is the only current language making COBOL look good.
-- Bertrand Meyer
PL/I and Ada started out with all the bloat, were very daunting languages,
and got bad reputations
-- deservedly. C++ has shown that if you slowly
bloat up a language over a period of years, people don't seem to mind as
much.
-- James Hague
Java is, in many ways, C++--.
-- Michael Feldman
You can't prove anything about a program written in C or FORTRAN. It's
really just Peek and Poke with some syntactic sugar.
-- Bill Joy
C is quirky, flawed and an enormous success.
-- Dennis Ritchie
Eiffel borrows quite heavily from some earlier programming languages and I
am sure that if we had found a good programming construct in C we would
have used it as well.
-- Bertrand Meyer
A C program is like a fast dance on a newly waxed dance floor by people
carrying razors.
-- Waldi Ravens
All C programs do the same thing: look at a character and do nothing with
it.
-- Peter Weinberger
Whenever the C++ language designers had two competing ideas as to how they
should solve some problem, they said, "OK, we'll do them both". So the
language is too baroque for my taste.
-- Donald E Knuth
The last good thing written in C++ was the Pachelbel Canon.
-- Jerry Olson
Other advanced languages, such as assembler and C, were not terribly
complex in themselves, but the environments in which applications were
developed were downright weird, with mines scattered about everywhere,
ready to blow the inattentive programmer out of the water.
-- Bruce Tognazzini
Going from programming in Pascal to programming in C, is like learning to
write in Morse code.
-- J P Candusso
To me C++ seems to be a language that has sacrificed orthogonality and
elegance for random expediency.
-- Meilir Page-Jones
Any sufficiently complicated C or Fortran program contains an ad hoc
informally-specified bug-ridden slow implementation of half of Common
Lisp.
-- Philip Greenspun
C++ is history repeated as tragedy. Java is history repeated as farce.
-- Scott McKay
Unix and C are the ultimate computer viruses.
-- Richard P Gabriel
It has been discovered that C++ provides a remarkable facility for
concealing the trival details of a program -- such as where its bugs are.
-- David Keppel
I view the landslide of C use in education as something of a calamity.
-- Nicklaus Wirth
C++ is like jamming a helicopter inside a Miata and expecting some sort of
improvement.
-- Drew Olbrich
Pointers are like jumps, leading wildly from one part of the data
structure to another. Their introduction into high-level languages has
been a step backwards from which we may never recover.
-- Tony Hoare
C++: Simula in wolf's clothing.
-- Bjarne Stroustrup
The belief is still widespread in the commputing community that C and its
derivatives are programming languages -- languages intended for people to
write programs in. This is a regrettable misunderstanding.
-- Bertrand Meyer
I consider C++ the most significant technical hazard to the survival of
your project and do so without apologies.
-- Alistair Cockburn
Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected
without, I thought, proper consideration.
-- Stan Kelly-Bootle
You make a hot chick. You really need to teach chicks how to be that hot.
-- Dan, to Jason
Your nickname should be "Luscious Lips" Mattax.
-- Dan
Shit! I really am a bad person!
-- Dan
I'm not going anywhere for spring break, so I may make you miserable
too...
-- Oleg, discussing having a test on the Friday before spring break
Emacs is a bit overpowered.
-- Dan
If meeting celebrities in unpleasant dark hangouts is what Hell's all
about, it's even more like LA than I suspected.
-- bookofratings.com, Dante's Inferno Punishments part 1
Burning sand and rains of fire, all for those who said things like "Jesus
fuck, that's one God-be-buggered big-ass fajita plate,"
-- bookofratings.com, Dante's Inferno Punishments part 2
Everyone likes spatulas, because our first vague memories of them involve
cake batter, back when life was bright and new, before our souls were
embittered by disappointment and utensil-based pedantry.
-- bookofratings.com, Utensils
The Greek Underworld kicks ass. It's like "Six Flags Over Psychotic
Depression," and Cerberus is the Ultra Twister.
-- bookofratings.com, More Labors of Hercules
Law of Software Envelopment: ``Every program attempts to expand until it
can read mail. Those programs which cannot so expand are replaced by ones
which can.''
-- Jamie Zawinski
Let's all have a moment of silence for your dearly departed grades.
-- Howard Whitston, Computer Science 352
Albion College, Albion, Michigan
Russians are known for a few things, all of which are scary.
-- Manuel
See this is where I get confused. Let me get you confused too, because
that is the goal.
-- Kishan G. Mehrotra, CIS321-Intro to probability and statistics
Syracuse University, Syracuse, NY
The exit code is useful when you want to know if your child grew up and
had a good life or it got run over by a truck or something.
-- Thu Nguyen, Operating Systems
Rutgers University, New Brunswick, New Jersey
I enjoyed watching mild mannered british secretaries come down for tea and
shooting people
-- Thad Starner, Intro to Intelligent Systems
Georgia Tech, Atlanta, Georgia
My Master's thesis was on orphan detection and elimination.
-- Thu Nguyen, Operating Systems
Rutgers University, New Brunswick, New Jersey
We will not prove this by intimidation and excessive fist waving.
[while screaming these lines and frantically waving arms]
-- Dr. Max Mintx, Math. Foundations of CS
University of Pennsylvania
I have this thing about parentheses and commas. Let me put an extra one in
so your notes will compile.
-- Dr. Max Mintz, Math Foundations of CS
University of Pennsylvania
I know it's Friday. It's a good day for math.
-- Dr. Max Mintx, Math foundations of CS
University of Pennsylvania
I am a world expert at multiplying 1 by 1 matrices.
-- Professor Ran, CS60
Harvey Mudd College, Claremont, CA
I'm sorry I'm late tonight... but we'll finish earlier to make up for it!
-- Zaczek, Comp. Programming
AGH, Krakow, Poland
Here's a fix... the processor is like a drug addict that needs a fix and
this keeps it going for a little while...
-- Karen Miller, CS-354
University of Wisconsin, Madison, WI (On solutions for pipeline
dependencies and compiler optimization)
Bring on: "The DAWG" It turns out its an acronym, a 4 letter one, not a 3
letter one. When you see the code, you'll be like "ya, that's a 4 letter
word"
-- Mehran Sahami, CS106X; Programming Methodology and Abstractions
(Accelerated)DAWG=Direct Acyclic Word Graph.
Stanford University, Stanford, CA
The pigeonhole principle: If you have N pigeons and drill at least N + 1
holes in them, you will have at least one pigeon with at least two holes
in it.
-- Ran Liebskind-Hadas, Principles of Computer Science
Harvey Mudd College, Claremont, CA
I can pump all day if I want to
-- Amr El Abadi, CS 136 Formal Language and Automata
UC Santa Barbara, Santa Barbara, CA (On a discussion of the
Pumping Lemma)
Jarvis's theory of general form: "It might do something, it might not"
-- Stephen Jarvis,
University of Warwick, Coventry, United Kingdom
How do you think it performed in Java? It sucked. It really did.
-- Dr. Jahanian, EECS 498
University of Michigan, Ann Arbor, Michigan
So when we build robots, we'll build robots who will kill you someday.
-- Prof. Dan Koditschek, EECS 376 - Fundamentals of Computer Science
University of Michigan, Ann Arbor, MI
... then Joe Moron User comes along... Sorry Joe, I didn't mean you.
-- Simon Walker, MFC/Windows Programming
Northern Alberta Institute of Technology, Edmonton, Alberta
The reason the Poisson disk method of supersampling with jitter works is
monkeys.
-- Prof. John C. Hart, CS319 (Graphics II)
University of Illinois, Champaign-Urbana, IL
Now, what happens when the program expects the paper ball, and gets
something else? *Picks up a chair while the target student ducks under his
desk* See? Not gonna like that now, are they?
-- Mr. Goldberg, Visual Basic
Ossining, Ossining, New York
There's a Zen trick to understanding computer science. First, become a
pervert. Then, just think naturally.
-- Harry Mairson, Fundamentals of Programming
Brandeis University, Waltham, MA
...the words "security" and "Windows" go together like strawberries and...
pickle.
-- Dr. Roland Wilson, CS222 Data Communications and Networks
University of Warwick, Coventry, England
After finishing giving a lecture on public-key cryptography...
"According to the US Government, I wasn't allowed to teach any non-citzens
how this works. Who here is not a US citizen?"
*some people in the class raise their hands, the professor raises his own
hand*
-- Eric Grimson, 6.001 - Structure and Interpretation of Computer
Programs MIT, Cambridge, MA
Not quite sure how we got from 128bit keys to Nepalese Brothels but here
we are.
-- Dr. Andrew Brown, Cryptography and Data Compression
Southampton University, Southampton, England
(read: chew through keys like a crazed wolverine on crack :-) )
-- Greg W., Slashdot
conversation about d.net
How To Write Good
1. Always avoid alliteration.
How To Write Good
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
How To Write Good
3. Avoid cliches like the plague--they're old hat.
How To Write Good
4. Employ the vernacular.
How To Write Good
5. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
How To Write Good
6. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
How To Write Good
7. Parenthetical words however must be enclosed in commas.
How To Write Good
8. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
How To Write Good
9. Contractions aren't necessary.
How To Write Good
10. Do not use a foreign word when there is an adequate English quid
pro quo.
How To Write Good
11. One should never generalize.
How To Write Good
12. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson once said: "I hate
quotations. Tell me what you know."
How To Write Good
13. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
How To Write Good
14. Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's
highly superfluous.
How To Write Good
15. It behooves you to avoid archaic expressions.
How To Write Good
16. Avoid archaeic spellings too.
How To Write Good
17. Understatement is always best.
How To Write Good
18. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
How To Write Good
19. One-word sentences? Eliminate. Always!
How To Write Good
20. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
How To Write Good
21. The passive voice should not be used.
How To Write Good
22. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
How To Write Good
23. Don't repeat yourself, or say again what you have said before.
How To Write Good
24. Who needs rhetorical questions?
How To Write Good
25. Don't use commas, that, are not, necessary.
How To Write Good
26. Do not use hyperbole; not one in a million can do it effectively.
How To Write Good
27. Never use a big word when a diminutive alternative would suffice.
How To Write Good
28. Subject and verb always has to agree.
How To Write Good
29. Be more or less specific.
How To Write Good
30. Placing a comma between subject and predicate, is not correct.
How To Write Good
31. Use youre spell chekker to avoid mispeling and to catch
typograhpical errers.
How To Write Good
32. Don't repeat yourself, or say again what you have said before.
33. Don't be redundant.
How To Write Good
34. Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not
needed.
How To Write Good
35. Don't never use no double negatives.
How To Write Good
36. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
How To Write Good
37. Hopefully, you will use words correctly, irregardless of how
others use them.
How To Write Good
38. Eschew obfuscation.
How To Write Good
39. No sentence fragments.
How To Write Good
40. Don't indulge in sesquipedalian lexicological constructions.
How To Write Good
41. A writer must not shift your point of view.
How To Write Good
42. Don't overuse exclamation marks!!
How To Write Good
43. Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long
sentences, as of 10 or more, words, to their antecedents.
How To Write Good
44. Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.
How To Write Good
45. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb
is.
How To Write Good
46. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.
How To Write Good
47. Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with
singular nouns in their writing.
How To Write Good
48. Always pick on the correct idiom.
How To Write Good
49. The adverb always follows the verb.
How To Write Good
50. And always be sure to finish what
Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum viditur.
(Whatever is said in Latin sounds profound.)
Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat, though.
-- Union Pivo, alt.2600
Paranoia is just Reality at a higher resolution!
-- Erich, Slashdot
It's time to Administrate!! *pumps shotgun*
-- Wah, Slashdot
Another non-functioning site was uncertainty.microsoft.com. The
purpose of that site was not known.
-- MSNBC
much like the stereotypical Mafia drug baron requests to see the
"merchandise" rather than "the large bag of coke under the table"
-- Vortex, alt.2600
Mommy said demons are what make me do the bad things.
-- Whitey Johnson, alt.2600
Being stranded on a life raft in the Pacific is a perfect venue for a
hacker.
-- Neal Stephenson, Snow Crash
Therefore, the Metaverse is wide open and undefended, like airports
in the days before bombs and metal detectors, like elementary schools
in the days before maniacs with assault rifles.
-- Neal Stephenson, Snow Crash
Hiro concludes that Bruce Lee, contrary to his reputation, must have
just gone out and gotten scalps of any old color, bleached them, and
dyed them. What a wimp.
-- Neal Stephenson, Snow Crash
Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't
fallen asleep yet.
-- H., alt.2600
Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the
earth.
-- Harlequin, alt.2600
Support mental health or I'll kill you!!
Moutain Dew and donuts... becuase breakfast is the most important meal
of the day.
C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot. C++ makes it harder,
but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.
-- Bjarne "Stumpy" Stroustrup
A computer scientist is someone who, when told to "Go to Hell", sees
the "go to", rather than the destination, as harmful.
Carpe Aptenodytes! (Seize the Penguins!)
When hacking lets you down Phreaking will pick you up,
cuz when you have a beige box your enemies are out of luck.
When your friend has a girlfriend that is likely to cheat,
you the good samaritan has a plan that can't be beat,
cuz when a color box and her phoneline come to meet the results are
undeniable when you play the tape to the geek.
O.J. was guiltier than a mother-fucker, but I got him I off didn't I?
-- Johnnie Cochran to a group of law students at Georgetown University
04/01/98
I hate Windows NT because every time I wear my Blu-Blockers the
fucking monitor disappears!
-- Dummydude_thebot in his contest winning form from the
3rd alt.2600 "Why I hate Windows in 25 words or less" contest
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
Hacker's thought ?
My computer is my Heaven,
Real life is my Hell
SCSI is *NOT* magic. There are *fundamental technical reasons* why it
is necessary to sacrifice a young goat to your SCSI chain now and then
I once bought some crack, now I'm down with the CIA
-- Sublime
Break yo pipe man, and the funny dudes scribblin' licence plates go away.
-- Kha0s, alt.2600
The ten commandments of hooking anything to anything
I. Thou shalt remember that in order for anything to work, thou must
have a complete circuit in there somewheres.
The ten commandments of hooking anything to anything
II. Thou shalt remember that there must be connections of + to -, else
thou shalt look idiotic.
The ten commandments of hooking anything to anything
III. Thy tool-kit must be complete and ready, for it's nasty to get
shocked because thou hadt spliced wire with thy teeth.
The ten commandments of hooking anything to anything
IV. Thou shalt always have an ample supply of wire at thy command, for
it's aggravating to be unable to finish a project for want of two feet of
wire.
The ten commandments of hooking anything to anything
V. It is always divine to stick LED's in there somewheres, for flashing
and multi-colored lights bring illusion of genius.
The ten commandments of hooking anything to anything
VI. When working with circuits of more than 90 Volts, fuck it, for
shocks are a pain in the ass.
The ten commandments of hooking anything to anything
VII. If screwing with thy fone wires, be reminded that the holy
repairmen look down on "independent finanglers".
The ten commandments of hooking anything to anything
VIII. Never screw with something thou cannot replace.
The ten commandments of hooking anything to anything
IIX. Always be sure that thou art not making irreversible changes when
thou might want to put back.
The ten commandments of hooking anything to anything
IX. Always set aside an ample amount of time to do thy work, for what
looks simple now, might not look so simple 2 hours later when thou comes
back from wherever thou came.
It's just like a car. It's the automakers job to provide locks,
alarms, and keys. It's our responsibility to lock the doors,
roll up the windows, and keep a Glock under the seat.
God is too big for one religion.
-- Fred Durst
When the government fears the people, it is liberty.
When the people fear the government, it is tyranny.
-- Thomas Paine
...I'm not one of those who think Bill Gates is the devil. I simply
suspect that if Microsoft ever met up with the devil, it wouldn't need
an interpreter.
-- Nick Petreley
Maybe this world is another planet's hell.
-- Aldous Huxley
There are two ways to write error-free programs; only the third one
works.
A hacker does for love what others would not do for money.
Of the sparkling wines, the most famous is "Perth Pink". This is a
bottle with a message in, and the message is BEWARE!. This is not a
wine for drinking -- this is a wine for laying down and avoiding.
-- Monty Python, Australian Table Wines
Curiosity is the very basis of education and if you tell me that
curiosity killed the cat, I say only the cat died nobly.
-- Arnold Edinborough
The only way tcsh "rocks" is when the rocks are attached to its feet
in the deepest part of a very deep lake.
-- Linus Torvalds
Is there another word for synonym?
Can you say "massive cellular damage leading to suffocation"?
-- GodPole
Verbosity is the refuge of those with nothing original to say.
A hacker's interpretation of the 1st & 2nd amendments:
They can have my computer when they pry the gun from
my cold dead fingers.
Beta. Software undergoes beta testing before it's released. Beta is
Latin for "still doesn't work."
'When you say "I wrote a program that crashed Windows", people just stare
at you blankly and say "Hey, I got those with the system, *for free*".'
-- Linus Torvalds
Whip me. Beat me. Make me maintain AIX.
Question authority! Yeah, says who?
-- Signal11, Slashdot
I'm still down with the Ho department!
-- Manuel
Holy router, silent router.
Router-paths, router-paths, routers all the way,
of what fun, it is to route on a one-way open relay, hey!
-- toni/loopy, alt.2600
Kinda like a Geo Metro that does 300 MPH. In second gear.
proposed Slackware slogan
-- Seth Scali, Slashdot
Down with Open Source Education! All Hail the Fuhrer of Computing! One
World, One Internet, One Operating System!
-- FreeUser, Slashdot
HACKER WITH BULLHORN: "Save your money! Accept one of our free tanks! It
is invulnerable, and can drive across rocks and swamps at ninety miles an
hour while getting a hundred miles to the gallon!"
PROSPECTIVE STATION WAGON BUYER: "I know what you say is true... but...
er... I don't know how to maintain a tank!"
BULLHORN: "You don't know how to maintain a station wagon either!"
BUYER: "But this dealership has mechanics on staff. If something goes
wrong with my station wagon, I can take a day off work, bring it here, and
pay them to work on it while I sit in the waiting room for hours,
listening to elevator music."
BULLHORN: "But if you accept one of our free tanks, we will send
volunteers to your house to fix it free while you sleep!"
BUYER: "Stay away from my house, you freak!
BULLHORN: "But..."
BUYER: "Can't you see that everyone is buying station wagons?"
-- Neal Stephenson, "In The Beginning, There Was The Command Line"
Oh, God yeah. Come on! Ugh, say my IP! Ugh, Yeah! Say it!
-- Nate McIver
WTF? A bare bones system needs at least 40 gigs of hard
drive space for the download directory alone. A hard drive
is like a penis. Sure 20 inches/megs is ok but you need room
for that influx of blood/data so it can expand.
-- Penult, alt.2600
When I speak german... I think german in my head... but like... Do skript
kiddies see a w40l3 8uncha 1's and 0's and 3's and 4's and 7's in their
h34d'5 w43n t43y R +a1k1n6 ?
-- SirStanley, Slashdot
Starsky and Hutch reruns, dubbed into diverse languages, may turn out, in
the long run, to be a greater force for human rights than the Declaration
of Independence.
-- Neal Stephenson, "In The Beginning, There Was The Command Line"
Lisp hackers have to be bound (to-do 'it) ...
-- fortune -o
Hackers do it with fewer instructions.
-- fortune -o
Stay up hacking each weekend. Sleep is for the week.
hypergeek, Slashdot
Remember, you aren't getting paid big bucks for what you know. You're
getting paid for what the rest of the world doesn't know.
-- Knunov, Slashdot
If the phone suddenly erupts in a ball of fire, scorches the skin
clean off the side of your face and knocks your ass across the yard,
then it's a high voltage line.
-- Stan, alt.2600
mydoctorhasadvisedmetolowermycaffieneintake
-- electricmonk, Slashdot
This reminds me of the high-point of my psychosis. You all know the
game Syndicate Wars of course. Well, at the train station in
Amsterdam Central after returning late from the university, I would
imagine all these people with long leather coats on the platforms of the
train station. Then the intercom would announce (in dutch) "Wil de heer
Jansen zich a.u.b. melden bij loket 4", and all these long coated people
would draw their mini-gun like Neo in the Matrix and in the syndicate wars
game and start firing until everybody laid bleeding on the floor.
-- Thomas J Boschloo, alt.2600
They come at 3:30 in the morning. Most people aren't up then, but I am.
I can't sleep... ever!
-- Tweek, South Park (217)
Chemical weapons don't destroy things. I destroy things.
-- Mr Daniel Braksator, alt.2600
It's a vibrator! It doesn't matter who owns it.
-- Jason
Bill: Is it necrophilia if a zombie is fucking you?
Danny: No, it's just a really uncomfortable form of rape.
2 40 hour a week jobs is what, 80 hours?
-- Jason
Back off bitch, most of the time I'm "pleasantly irate".
-- Danny
Walking into a bank or liquor store wearing a ski mask and brandishing a
.45 isn't completely passe, but it's not the preferred method of criminals
drug-free enough to sit down and think about the problem.
-- Bruce Schnier, Secrets and Lies
They all work basically (for large values of "basically")
-- Bruce Schnier, Secrets and Lies
You can't chase something that's not running away.
-- Dan, talking about women
Raping a teddy bear?!? But they always seem so willing for everything!
-- Wade
It doesn't take much honey to mess up one of these!
-- Packrat, dripping honey into an opened (but running) hard drive
When a fifth of vodka isn't enough...
-- Manuel
If "Nature" had intended us to eat fresh vegetables, it wouldn't have
given us niacin or ascorbic acid.
-- Frederik Pohl, The Space Merchants.
This isn't fireworks, this is Oakland!
-- David Moreno
I have control over Timmy in the "Crack Dealer" context...
-- Dan
> For the record, my Pismo (Powerbook G3 Firewire) is four years old and
> runs [Mac OS X] 10.3.2 just fine.
My Pismo is four years old and runs [Mac OS X] 10.3.2 like a slug on ketamine.
-- solios, Slashdot
I'm going to say something that I think has never been said before: I had
the class with Dr. Kim, and I'm laughing at you assholes.
-- Bill, about CS 325 (OS)
That would be really slick, if that were what we are trying to do!
-- Jason
Netscape 4 turned 5. 5 years ago my best friend wasn't even dating; now
he's got a wife and two kids. Fucking upgrade already.
-- red_one, irc
And isn't sanity really just a one trick pony anyway? I mean all of you
get is one trick, rational thinking, but when you're good and crazy, oooh
oooh oooh, the sky is the limit!
-- The Tick
When you say "super glue", most people here think of Superglue(tm), which
is cyanoacrylate adhesive, not mollusk snot.
-- krog, Slashdot
In terms of releasing energy, pouring liquid oxygen on charcoal is the
equivalent of throwing a live squirrel into a room containing 50 million
Labrador retrievers.
-- George Goble
Intertrust: We put the "Arr!" in Barratry.
-- ENOENT, Slashdot
University ... alcohol... prohibited ... no, I just can't see those
fitting together.
-- Paul Walker
> I need some good links about ip spoffing .
So, you need some good herking sites so you can become a crocker?
-- Unknown
I'm trying to develop responses to things that annoy me that don't
involve the phrases 'nuke the site from orbit', 'I dispatch
assassins', or the word 'smite'. Not going so well so far.
-- Claire Bickell
I don't see what C++ has to do with keeping people from shooting
themselves in the foot. C++ will happily load the gun, offer you a
drink to steady your nerves, and help you aim.
-- Peter da Silva
Look, for the last time: I am not a nice person. I am malevolent.
-- Richard Baker
I believe there is something out there watching over us.
Unfortunately it's the government.
-- Woody Allen
<worf> Preparation is for the weak. A real teacher does not coddle
his students with decadent "coherence" and "understandability."
</worf>
-- Jim Battista
I am aware this is the second time in two weeks I have been
compelled to quote Lear, but there are times when Eminem simply
will not do.
-- Roger Ebert
> nothing like a pint of whiskey to cheer you up.
Nothing like a pint of whisky to tranquilise a heffalump...
-- Charlie Bell
I think I write more or less how I talk, although I say "um..." a lot
more than I write it, and will occasionally in conversation drift off
in the middle of a sent....
-- Neil Gaiman
<ctkilla82> sleep tight
<ctkilla82> don't let the draconian culture police bite
<Kyle> So you're going to be responsible for 65 Windows 2000 Desktops
*WITHOUT* a Windows 2000 Domain.
<Kyle> Run for the hills, boy.
<Kyle> Run for the fucking hills.
<Beeth> Girls are like internet domain names, the ones I like are already
taken.
<honx> well, you can stil get one from a strange country :-P
<erno> hm. I've lost a machine.. literally _lost_. it responds to ping, it
works completely, I just can't figure out where in my apartment it is.
<Squee-G> You're old school? I beta tested the mother fucking abacus!
Drinking: throwing up is your body's way of saying "you'd better fucking
cut it out".
-- Hollis Blanchard
Being surly at the desk is something that should be added to the my
job description.
-- Jacob Kestner
The Cthulhu you can hug is not the true Cthulhu!
-- Allan Poindexter
There are as many reasons to love X as to love a dead goat (I call her
"molly").
-- Alomex, Slashdot
This message brought to you by the letters v and i
Should there be any reason to believe that a relatively small group of
paid programmers working under the direction of a marketing machine can
produce code approaching the quality of a global team linked by the
internet, whose every line of code is subject to ruthless peer review, and
whose only standard is excellence?
-- crunchie812
A: Because it messes up the order in which people normally read text.
Q: Why is top-posting such a bad thing?
A: Top-posting.
Q: What is the most annoying thing on usenet and in e-mail?
Scissors Kills Paper, Rock; Turns Blade on Self
-- Tomboko, plastic.com
This is the Unix philosophy: Write programs that do one thing and do it
well. Write programs to work together. Write programs to handle text
streams, because that is a universal interface.
-- Doug McIlroy
Remember when 'Rocket Scientist' meant 'genius' instead of 'underemployed'
or 'unemployed'?
-- Bruce P. Watson's usenet .sig, 1994
There is hopeful symbolism in the fact that flags do not wave in a vacuum.
-- Arthur C. Clarke
Securing an environment of Windows platforms from abuse - external or
internal - is akin to trying to install sprinklers in a fireworks factory
where smoking on the job is permitted.
-- Gene Spafford
Many environments don't have a well-defined perimeter - they're like Klein
bottles: everything is both inside and outside.
-- Gene Spafford
Perimeters that allow arbitrary content, VPNs and SSL connections, et al.
though aren't really perimeters any more than a state line through a
cornfield is an obvious border.
-- Gene Spafford
...consider McDonalds -- it is fast, cheap, and used by millions.
However, it also contributes to obesity, heart disease, and (arguably)
deforestation.
-- Gene Spafford, in email about Windows supplanting other operating
systems in Universities
...consider cigarettes -- giving the people what they want may be killing
them.
-- Gene Spafford, in email about Windows supplanting other operating
systems in Universities
...spousal abuse [in which] one person gets regularly beaten by the other,
yet won't leave because of some sense of loyalty. The bond is often only
broken by death.
-- Gene Spafford, in email about Windows supplanting other operating
systems in Universities
Progress in cutting a diamond is made not by polishing each individual
facet to a perfect gleam, but in exposing each facet one after another.
The whole gem must be revealed before its value can be discerned.
-- Gene Spafford
...like searching for scraps of food, in a grungy dark room, full of
psychotic people, like my graduate students, at least one of whom is in
the audience right now...
-- Gene Spafford
...like an intruder, that shoots you in the knee caps, sexually assaults
you, ransacks your house, and then leaves a business card...
-- Gene Spafford, about mobile code
Architects cannot learn to design grand cathedrals if they are taught all
their drawing courses using only an Etch-a-Sketch because the company
struck a deal with the university...
-- Gene Spafford, in email about Windows supplanting other operating
systems in Universities
...a vibrator. I need me one of those.
-- Jason
A system admin's life is a sorry one. The only advantage he has over
Emergency Room doctors is that malpractice suits are rare. On the other
hand, ER doctors never have to deal with patients installing new
versions of their own innards!
-- Michael O'Brien
It is practically impossible to teach good programming style to
students that have had prior exposure to BASIC; as potential
programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.
-- Dijkstra
The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be
regarded as a criminal offense.
-- Dijkstra
<Jason> killall -9 java | only way to make it stop
<Jason> It's getting so bad I bound it to a hot key
*Houdini falls out of his chair
<Jason> at least I'm not the only one with pain
-- Jason, reluctant Java developer
Dude. We just chopped my kernel into 80 byte blocks and fed it into a card
reader. Don't talk to me about archaic.
-- delcielo, Slashdot
> What about full neuro interfacing? You simply "think" commands/text
> entry, etc, and a computer implanted in your skull or externally
> interfaced via cable processes and executes those commands.
That might be almost as good as vi. -- Dorothy Heydt
Here's a good rule of thumb to follow: people hate blinking. It is
extremely distracting, and should only be used to draw the user's
attention to the most severe conditions, such as: "Your computer is on
fire"
-- Isys Information Architects
Hahahahahahaha, you use Outlook! <points and laughs>
-- Steven Gross
No tool is inherently good or evil. Okay, except maybe for Frontpage.
-- Mike Sphar
I'm proud to announce that within the requisite 5 minutes of
finishing my exams, I had a pint within my hands. I am currently
drunk. Thank you for listening.
-- Adrian Hon
I hate exams in the afternoon - I always spend the morning getting
progressively more worried about them. And I hate exams in the
morning, because I have to get out of bed and it's traumatic.
-- Jo Richardson
I can see an opening for the Four Lusers Of The Apocalypse... "I didn't
change anything", "My e-mail doesn't work", "I can't print" and "Is the
network broken?".
-- Paul Mc Auley
The Internet: May contain traces of nuts.
-- Unknown
I try to make computers say things like "You have 60 seconds to achieve
safe distance".
-- Terry Pratchett
The only button this movie needs more than pause is delete.
-- Roger Ebert, reviewing _13 Ghosts_
There are no problems that cannot be solved by the judicious use
of high explosives.
-- Unknown
Note: The movie has an R rating because its high school kids talk
and drink beer exactly like high school kids.
-- Roger Ebert, subtly criticising the movie rating system again
Hey don't knock Outlook, it's a fantastic product, I love it to bits and
hope it goes on to dominate the world even more! I am however a security
consultant by trade.
-- Ian Rawlings
What is it with the beard thing.. honestly. Give a man a beard and he
thinks he rules the world... add sandals to that and suddenly they become
a unix expert.
-- Matt Hubbard
Don't trust developers who compile compilers using the compiler they're
busy compiling.
-- Clive Potgieter
Jesus saves! Allah protects! And Cthulhu thinks you'd make a nice sandwich!
-- Unknown
> admit it, though. you destroyed all the prototypes in backyard
> bonfires, didn't you?
I object! I haven't set fire to anything for... days.
-- Richard Baker, pyromaniac
I believe there is a place in every home for OC-768 connectivity. I
believe every thinking, breathing human being has the right to download in
one second more pornographic material than they could consume in a year.
-- Clive Potgieter
The weblog is not the most useless weapon in the War On Terrorism.
That title is still held by the nuclear submarine.
-- Tim Cavanaugh
I don't think I've ever been critical of the money Douglas Adams
makes, especially since, as has been tactfully pointed out, I
myself have had to change banks having filled the first one up.
-- Terry Pratchett
I couldn't be a Jehovah's Witness. I didn't see the accident.
-- Unknown
Let the heathen abase themselves in terror before the might of our
Bakhlava Death Commandos. Not even the dark places of the Earth will save
them from the Tiramisu Assassin Sect!
-- Richard Baker, acting odd *again*
HELLO CLEVELAND! We are! BAKLAVA! DEATH! COMMANDOS! *speed metal ensues*
-- Jim Battista
Dude! We play death metal! An appreciation of Hendrix is not required.
-- Lalith Vipulananthan
It's as much fun as getting stabbed in the ribs
-- Andrew Crystal, describing working with UML
There's an old saying in Tennessee - I know it's in Texas, probably
in Tennessee - that says, fool me once, shame on - shame on
you. Fool me - you can't get fooled again.
-- George W Bush
Administration for Windows networks is similar to maintaining a 12-year
old GM Truck. Brand new, W2K+3 already has 190K miles of wear.
-- Jeremiah Cornelius
An armed society is a polite society. Manners are good when one may have
to back up his acts with his life.
-- Robert A. Heinlein
I am free, no matter what rules surround me. If I find them tolerable, I
tolerate them; if I find them too obnoxious, I break them. I am free
because I know that I alone am morally responsible for everything I do.
-- Robert A. Heinlein
Big Brother has gone crazy, and he's passing the savings on to you!
-- srose, plastic.com
It's not like I wake up in the morning and say,
"O holy day! I still have a pangus!"
-- Daniel Lyons
<Bobda> I'm so hungry the Users are starting to look good.
<Bobda> and I'm not talking about eating them.
<Bobda> my haze of hunger is causing me to have impure thoughts.
<Bobda> I want to help users.
<Bobda> must fight urge!
<Bobda> FOOD!!!
<Bobda> *gnaw, gnaw*
<Bobda> *spit*
<Bobda> Desk bad.
Dan: [XML is] The tupperware of the internet.
Bill: And here you are organizing a XML-tupperware party for us.
I am shooting myself, can you stop me? I'm dead--I don't care. You allow the
user to do dumb things and you are not what--protecting! Is user going to
foil the trust? No? I'm not defending FORTRAN folks! We are trying to
understand the mind of the designers. And maybe we'll learn from their
mistakes.
-- Dr. Hamdy Soliman
Raj: If you put that quote on the website, you're crossing the chasm of
pervertedness.
Dan: Raj, when you look across the chasm that separates perversion from
normality, you're not looking at the perverted side.
Raj: What does that mean?
Gilbert: You suck, Raj.
The several order of magnitude massiveness difference here is what I'm
trying to get across to you. It's foggy outside. Why? Because Russia's
on fire. Fuck man.
-- Daniel Lyons
In the future we're all going to regret this period in music where
our tastes were determined by 11 year old girls and wrestling fans.
-- Moby
Memo to self: even if you don't think you're going to win, write a speech.
Otherwise you will wind up on the stage in front of several thousand people,
finishing an impromptu speech with "Fuck, I got a Hugo."
-- Neil Gaiman
And once, just once, I'd like to be pulled over by a copper, and
told "Was just following you through that series of bends, sir,
and that was textbook. Good lines, perfect speed, excellent
positioning, couldn't have done it better myself. Have a gold star."
-- Charlie Bell
Perl looks like my cat sat on the keypad.
-- Charlie Bell
if you haven't had any caffeine in a month and then you have a very
strong cup of coffee, well, you end up like me right now. i feel like
a squirrel on crack.
-- Moby
Only an idiot doesn't go into his e-mail preferences and specify Plain
Text instead of HTML. This is such a sane use of resources I believe it
was actually mentioned in the Kyoto Accord.
-- Roger Ebert
What we obtain too cheap we esteem too lightly. It would be strange indeed
if so celestial a thing as freedom should not be highly rated.
-- Thomas Paine
Neo: I just had a deja vu.
Morpheus: What? What did you see?
Neo: I saw the same Bush pass by twice.
Morpheus: Was it exactly the same Bush?
Neo: I dunno... could've been some kind of father son thing.
Morpheus: A deja vu is a glitch in the database. It usually happens when
they change something. Particularly, votes.
-- Valar, Slashdot
You're like a computer rapist, who happens to be highly paid
-- Daniel Lyons, talking about my job
Let every nation know, whether it wishes us well or ill, that we shall
pay any price, bear any burden, meet any hardship, support any friend,
oppose any foe, to assure the survival and the success of liberty.
-- JFK
This is the sort of pedantry up with which I will not put!
-- Winston Churchill
In the beginning I was free.
then I became a pleb, and my master controlled me.
then I because a citizen and the government controlled me.
Now I'm a consumer, and all my rights are under control.
-- oliverthered, Slashdot
In University you realize that Biology is really Chemistry, Chemistry is
really Physics, Physics is really Math, and Math is just really really
hard.
-- MrEd, Slashdot
We are not mentally unsound [...] We just want a quiet place to finish
working while God eats our brains.
-- Bruce Sterling, Twenty Evocations
Being compared to the OJ Simpson case should not be one of the goals of
your investigation.
-- Computer Forensics, Kruse & Heiser
Thanks to DRM, you know that something has been built in environment of
unspecified degree of security, from source you cannot check, written
by programmers you don't know, released after passing QA of unknown quality
and which is released under a license which disclaims any responsibility...
-- Sven Vermeulen, Gentoo developer
Some percent of your user base will be evil
-- Ed Skoudis
People who are willing to rely on the government to keep them safe are
pretty much standing on Darwin's mat, pounding on the door, screaming,
"Take me, take me!"
-- Carl Jacobs
Be a better bastard.
-- Josh Brandt
...and the world will beat a luser to death at your door.
-- Carl Jacobs
Never meddle in the affairs of NT. It is slow to boot and quick to crash.
-- Stephen Harris
I used to herd dairy cows. Now I herd lusers. Apart from the isolation, I
think I preferred the cows. They were better conversation, easier to milk,
and if they annoyed me enough, I could shoot them and eat them.
-- Rodger Donaldson
Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to using Windows NT
for mission-critical applications.
-- Devin L. Ganger
Yes, I'm sure every 6 year old child dragging her mom thru Toys'R'us will
now be saying, "Don't buy me THAT mommy - her manufacturer supresses free
speech by threatening to persecute adult parodies of it on the web!"
-- ch-chuck, Slashdot
A moral man does not need laws to govern him. An immoral man will find
ways around laws.
-- Plato
I am regularly asked what the average Internet user can do to ensure his
security. My first answer is usually "Nothing; you're screwed."
-- Bruce Schneier
By the power vested in me, I now declare this text string and this bit
string 'name' and 'key'. What RSA has joined, let no man put asunder.
-- Bob Blakley
That which is over-designed, too highly specific, anticipates outcome;
the anticipation of outcome guarantees, if not failure, the absence of grace.
-- William Gibson, "All Tomorrow's Parties"
Since September 2002, the United States is the only country in the world
where 60 per cent of the population believes that Iraq is an imminent
threat - something that people do not believe even in Kuwait or Iran.
-- Noam Chomsky
about 50 per cent of the [United States] population now believes that Iraq
was responsible for the attack on the World Trade Center.
-- Noam Chomsky
The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and
effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be
violated, and no Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported
by oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be
searched, and the persons or things to be seized.
-- The fourth amendment
Distrust and caution are the parents of security.
-- Benjamin Franklin
Those who would give up essential liberty to purchase a little temporary
safety deserve neither liberty or safety. Nor, are they likely to end up
with either.
-- Benjamin Franklin
In a closed society where everybody's guilty, the only crime is getting
caught. In a world of thieves, the only final sin is stupidity.
-- Hunter S Thompson
Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the
leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being
attacked, and denounce the peacemakers for lack of patriotism and exposing
the country to danger. It works the same in any country
-- Hermann Goering
A dictatorship would be a heck of a lot easier--there's no question about
it.
-- GW Bush, 8/6/01
I usually define SuSE as AIX written by Germans on crack.
-- Derry Hamilton, alt.sysadmin.recovery
^[:wq
WARNING: This product is broken and fixing it is illegal. It may not work
in your hardware, and it may even break your hardware.
-- proposed CD copy protection label, Surak, Slashdot
That ["because the customer is always right"] has been repealed by the
Axiom Review Board and replaced with "because the customer is a probably
a criminal".
-- TheRaven64, Slashdot
<dazz> The love between a gerbil and a man is sacred
-- #desperado, irc.cotse.net
Remember, it's only a crime to fuck kids if you're not a multinational
corporation.
-- Penny Arcade
The male organ liberates me from the pain of life which is women.
-- Daniel Lyons
After I finished sobbing bitterly over the fact that my books were selling,
I somehow came to terms with having some money.
-- Bruce Sterling, Tomorrow Now
Actually, I wish I hadn't just associated Harry Potter with porn, the
mental image will make me kill people some day.
-- RighteousFunby, Slashdot
There is no 'patch' for stupidity.
-- SQLSecurity.com
Rebuilding the Windows server after it gets cracked and is now
distributing 6GB of warez.
-- Option on "most hated employment ritual" poll on Slashdot
Rebuilding the Windows server after it crashes.
-- Option on "most hated employment ritual" poll on Slashdot
Rebuilding the Windows server after it gets all crufty.
-- Option on "most hated employment ritual" poll on Slashdot
Rebuilding the Windows server because a vendor's app f'd it up.
-- Option on "most hated employment ritual" poll on Slashdot
Rebuilding the Windows server because a vendor's installer f'd it up.
-- Option on "most hated employment ritual" poll on Slashdot
Rebuilding the Windows server because another with a similar configuration
just a couple IPs away got cracked.
-- Option on "most hated employment ritual" poll on Slashdot
Rebuilding the Windows server because the rebuild didn't come out right.
-- Option on "most hated employment ritual" poll on Slashdot
Premature optimization is the root of all evil.
-- Knuth
Yes, porn is not only less evil than religion, it is more fun. So join the
crusade: buy a magazine, rent a video, get a cable subscription, visit a
club, see a stripper and CRACK ONE OFF TODAY!!! Come, and do your bit for
a better world.
-- pmc, kuro5hin.org
I fear that Digital Rights Management today is Political Rights Management
tomorrow. That embedding these kinds of technological controls into the
very architecture of computing has the capacity to become a form of
political control in the not so distant future.
-- John Perry Barlow
What is fair use? Fair use is not a law. There's nothing in law.
-- Jack Valenti
What is not fair use is making a copy of an encrypted DVD, because once
you're able to break the encryption, you've undermined the
encryption itself.
-- Jack Valenti